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Single friends… anyone? Please? Save me.

24 Apr

So I went trolling on POF tonight. I was bored and had the apparent desire to do the equivalent of bashing my head against a brick wall. I like to think I’m a fairly entertaining person. People are usually laughing at me anyway, so may as well have some fun with engaging others in conversation. Tonight I saw that someone had messaged me a few times. I’d never responded because he just didn’t look my type at all. For some reason tall white and nerdy just doesn’t ring my bell. Below I’ll share a snapshot of our conversation. I should have just ignored my inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

So please, save me from myself. One of you out there has to have a single friend, who doesn’t suck at life, that you can send me on a date with. I now need someone else to pick for me, because apparently… I simply do not have the talent of finding an acceptable man for myself.

Behold: Kristy Trolling on POF


I’m doing good. What are you looking for?
lol right this moment? Sanity and sleep, but since neither seem to be forthcoming, I guess I’ll answer in the generalized statement. Being single is boring, dating is ridiculous, and I’m tired of trying to figure out who to take when I get a +1 invitation for an event or function. So basically what I’m looking for is someone to enjoy life with.

Cool. I’m looking for friends or more. I’d like to find a good honest faithful woman for a possible long term relationship
Well, good luck with that. I’m pretty sure everyone strives to be good honest and faithful. So you shouldn’t have too much trouble in that aspect.

Faithful seems to be hard to find. Ever been married? Kids?

No. Yes… in that order.

Cool. I never been marrieds and no kids. I love kids though 🙂

Kids are something else. They are spontaneous and explosive all in the same second.

Yeah that is true lol
I must admit that I do have a thing for busty women

So does every other man in the world, it’s a fairly universal trait.

I didn’t used to like them big, but now I do.


You Busy?

If you don’t mind me asking, what size are they?

(this is where I ended the conversation, deleted, and blocked him.)

I just can’t make this shit up.




The Problem With Innuendo

25 Jul

This is what a conversation is actually like with me: 


Person X on the phone: I’d really like to get to know you better. 

Me: Okay.

Person X: Tell me everything about yourself, your ambitions, your deepest darkest secrets.

Me: I don’t like to talk on the phone for hours. How about you ask specific questions. I’m better with those. 

Person X: You’re funny. 

(Me thinking: how was that funny?)

Me saying: Thanks, I think. 

Person X: What are your plans for tonight?

Me: It’s eleven oclock. I’m going to bed here shortly. 

Person X: Oh? Gonna get a shower first?

(Me thinking: who the fuck asks that?)

Me saying: Yeah

Person X: I want to be the soap sliding all over your body.

(Me thinking: that’s disgusting.)

Me Saying: I don’t know how to respond to that. 

Person X: Invite me over, so I can shower with you, and tuck you into bed. 

Me: Does that line ever work? 

Person X: Everyone needs someone to scrub their back. 

Me: Okay so, I’m gonna go. I just don’t think you’re the type of person I’m looking for.

Person X: don’t be that way, invite me over. 

…. this is where I just hung up. He called 8 times after that, and twice this morning. 


I’m sure there’s some lesson to be learned in all this. I promise I’m not looking for the weirdest men on the planet. These are the men that don’t start with overt innuendo and actually have conversations first. 

I would love to meet one normal, well adjusted man, who didn’t think the way to get to know me was through my vagina. 




Epic Dating Fail Volume 1

18 Aug

singleThis literary Goddess is the most inept person at dating that has ever walked the face of the earth. While I often don’t share my many social quirks with the perspective men that I’m going to go out with, there are times I feel I should. Being single in a town full of men is a lot harder than most people would realize. Before I get into all that, let me tell you about last night.

I went out with a group of friends last night, to a place I’ve been to regularly over the last year. Two men walked in, and my friend asked me what I thought about them. I rolled my eyes because anyone who knows me will tell you that it doesn’t matter what someone looks like. I know that’s said over and over, but a man could be a perfect “10” and open his mouth and he drops 30 digits. Ignorance and entitlement are two personality traits that I simply can’t find attractive.

However, back to the night at hand. One of the two men that had walked in brought it upon himself to come over to me, grind his hard on against my ass and tell me how much he wanted to play with my tits. This was his introduction to me that I was supposed to find flattering. He pulls me away from the table. After about three minutes of one song, I’d had enough of the gentleman’s company and went outside. In those three minutes, he verbally left no part of my anatomy untouched and described his at length. Ladies please tell me that I’m not the only female in the world who finds vulgarity unattractive? Since when did that become the norm?

This isn’t the first time I’ve run into this. It’s actually a regular occurrence. I will meet a man, who strikes my interest, and the conversation turns from getting to know you, to sex. I’m certain that I feed into this, sex is one of my favorite things, whether its physical, mental, or conversational. However, there’s more to me than a one dimensional topic. It frustrates me, and makes me rapidly lose interest in whoever I happen to be talking to at the moment. If talking about sex isn’t foreplay for the physical aspect… what’s the point? If I wanted to be frustrated and alone I’d stay single.

It’s taken me almost a decade to truly step back into the dating world. I had a few serious relationships in that time period, but they didn’t work out for whatever reason. Some of it was because I pursued safe men. Ones that would never challenge me, or have the ability to lay waste to my heart like a nuclear explosion. For a long time it was perfectly fine by me if I never dated another man in my life. Perhaps it’s because I’m older now, or removed enough from the situation, but now I am ready to try.

Too bad I finally became ready in a world where there was no time to get to know the other person. Apparently the new rules are fuck or be fucked without any resemblance of intimacy.

Do they have mail order husbands?

The Literary Goddess