Choose to not choose.

26 Jan

When you let the world into your relationship, you tend to get a whole lot of advice. I learned so much over the past week, but mostly I learned about people. Every single person who I spoke with, had gone through this in some form or fashion. On one hand, it made me feel sad for the human race that monogamy doesn’t even seem to be a thing. I had to ask myself some hard truths. That in reality, it came down to just one question.

Could I forgive him?

That of course opens up other questions like; Did I even want to forgive him? Do I choose to forgive, but not forget? Do I want to end this relationship that we spent this much time building? I know that I can’t stop texting him even though he continues to disappoint me. Perhaps in my mind I didn’t mean to test his strengths and weaknesses, but I seem to be doing it anyway and he continues to be lower than my expectations. Is this just me being a spiteful asshole who wants to condemn him because he’s a flawed human?

My immediate knee jerk reaction, believe it or not, was I love this man, and I want to make this work, no matter what. Then I thought about what truly mattered to me.

I’m fucking exhausted. I’m exhausted every day of my life. I want someone I can share burdens with, not someone who adds more. I want someone who respects me and I respect them, the choices they make. I want someone who looks at me as if I’m their whole world, but you know, with sincerity. I want someone who understands that I will never ask for help, because I can’t. It’s not because I don’t want someone to walk shoulder to shoulder with me, it’s because I literally fucking can’t. You don’t think I needed someone? You obviously weren’t listening.

It is hardwired, in my soul to do what needs to be done and survive. I will always walk away with my shoulders squared  and my head up. Do I love this man enough to forgive, but not forget? Do I let go of the fact that our relationship was so second in his mind that I actually broke up with him in November because I felt neglected? Or that I felt like his appendage missed me more than the man did?

Or that he’s lied just so damn much, I am completely incapable of knowing fact from fiction? Fuck I need therapy. I need a vacation, from my life. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve been single for so long that ending this relationship is easier than continuing it. It’s because of that I fear I’m reaching for the easier straw. Being single is my comfort zone. Doing everything on my own is how I do things. Hell, he let me do things all on my own when we were together. What difference does it make anyway?

Financially, Spiritually, Physically, and emotionally, I can take care of myself. I did that in, and out of a relationship. Today I question, what the fuck was I getting out of this relationship that has me so tore up? Why can’t I just walk away? Why do I sent him messages at 4am? Is it because I truly love this man? Or did I love the man in my head?

The one who contributed with parenting. The one who contributed financially. The one who contributed emotionally. The one who listened to my spiritual shortcomings and led. The one who encouraged me to be the best version of myself I can be.

It is not weak, or anti-feminist to want an equal partner because I can say with absolute certainty that I would do all of those things in a relationship. So I guess in the end, I don’t have to answer the question about can I forgive but not forget, because what I had seemed to be mostly in my head.

So perhaps I’ll just get out of my own way. I’ll get out of my own head. I’ll see what’s really there. Something inside me wants to reach out to him. Perhaps that is worth exploring, perhaps not. For now I choose not to choose, because what I had I don’t want. I don’t want to feel neglected. Like I’m single but you know with a boyfriend who comes around once a week. I want to feel like I matter.

Until  I feel that way, I choose not to choose.

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