Archive | August, 2014

Fate Schmate, I need a Date

19 Aug

So, as some of you may (or may not know) I write books on the side when I’m not knee deep in dating disasters. I’m horrible at promotion because I rarely think to do it. Today, one of the people I work with came up to me and told me how engrossed they are in a book I wrote a few years ago. It geeked me out on so many levels. It’s one thing to have the satisfaction of writing a book and it being published. It’s quite another to have someone tell me how much they enjoyed it. After all, I didn’t write it for myself, I wrote it for someone who wanted to be entertained for a few hours.

Much like these blogs, I write them more for others than I do for myself. While it’s cathartic to vent about the epic failures of my quest for a lasting relationship, I also want to entertain others. I’ve had people tell me that it’s inspired them to want to blog, and others tell me that they have my blog sent right to their email so they don’t miss a single moment. Those are honestly things I live for in my writing career. I want to be someone that makes others laugh.

Someone asked me today why I’ve been quiet on the blog front. I think that I’ve just been licking my wounds. I love meeting people, but it’s lame to meet people that I can’t connect with on any level. I’ve met some decent men, don’t get me wrong, but not ‘for me’ men. Currently I’m talking to a few still but haven’t really done anything or gone anywhere in a while.

Contestant #1- This is an ex-boyfriend. To quote Miranda Lambert, ever have a sore in your mouth that you just have to bite? He’s mine. Love him to pieces, but we’re horrible at the whole relationship thing. I still talk to him a few times a week. I’m not emotionally invested in him, but he’s been in my life so long that it would be like severing a limb.

Contestant #2 – The unhealthy choice. This guy has heartbreak written all over him. He’s frustrating, he’s completely emotionally unavailable. He barely has time to sleep let alone for me, and yet… I keep that door open because he makes me smile. I will never pick this man in a relationship, but eh, I like free coffee.

Contestant #3 – This is a man that hit on me at a bar. Nothing ever came of it, he went his way, I went mine, but every blue moon we connect via text. He introduced me to a world I’d never seen before. Get your mind out of the gutter, dude carried alcohol in his trunk so he didn’t have to buy it at the bar. This amused me because its genius and I never thought to do it. Then my friend and I went out one night and she had a bottle of Kinky for us to make stops at her car. Cracked me the hell up.

Contestant #4 – Talked on the phone with this guy for almost three hours. If you know me at all, you know that’s obscenely unheard of. I hate talking on the phone. He didn’t have a weird voice, his words were clear and engaging. He calls his daughter his side kick which I thought was adorable. All in all he has good guy stamped on his forehead. Good guys make me nervous, hell if I’d know what to do with one.

So my goal is to go out within the next ten days. One date, doesn’t ultimately matter with who. I’m so tired of hearing, stop looking, it will happen. I’m not looking for a pair of shoes, I’m looking for a life partner. Why on earth would I trust fate to know what the heck was good for me? Cause I assure you, me and Fate have some differing opinions on what works and what doesn’t. I’m going to keep searching until I find the one person who I click with.

PS. Go buy my book: The Light, by Kristy Denice Bock. If you like my blog, you’ll love my book.




Push Up Bras and Granny Panties

13 Aug

So I was rummaging through my dresser drawers as I hopped on one leg trying to finish shaving because my best friend reminded me that my legs were starting to look like the rain forest, and I realized a few things. I have some pretty awesome bras, that I bought a few years back, and it’s seriously time to update them. They’ve been through the ringer and look the part of a badly abused victim of the washer. I remember the first time, ever, that someone bought me matching panties and a bra. It was at a Christmas party, and I had never owned such a beautiful set. (While I was wildly embarrassed to get them at Christmas from a cousin, I will always be epically grateful because it started this love affair with undergarments.)

So this year, after I survive back to school and the Holidays, I’m going to reinvest in the addiction that I seem to have neglected. This all started because I had this ridiculously long phone conversation yesterday about being a grandmother. Okay, so that wasn’t what it was about, but it was something discussed. I’m thirty-five, and a grandmother, who is dating, and trying to reintegrate into the society of the dating world, which is mostly made up of with 20 somethings, or creepy old men. I’ve wrote out these adventures for you so you can commiserate in my journey. The end game, as always, was to find someone I connect with on some cosmic level, get married, and ride off into the sunset… or at least a lifetime of good sex. I’d be okay with either because I’m flexible like that.

So I’m going to take my fabulous bras, with the matching panties and continue to explore this crazy phase I’m in, even if I am someone’s grandmother. Brian doesn’t care, pretty sure he doesn’t give two shits if his grandmother dates or not. That being said, I wouldn’t care if *my* grandmother dated. This is not an age thing, it’s a mentality thing. Just like I wouldn’t date that poor 21 year old (see Facebook), I’m not going to let the thought of getting older make me stop chasing what I want.

I would like to share my crazed interaction with “John”. John is a victim of society my friends. He spent at least an hour telling me how awful todays women are. The negative vibes rolled off his messages in waves that made me want to cleanse my soul. If I ever start to sound like I hate men, please God bring me back to reality. I never want to live in a world where everything sucks that badly.



My Love Affair With Lists Continue…

10 Aug

Sometimes, I don’t like myself when I’m talking to someone. I’ll find myself being this whiney little bitch waiting for some crumb of affection or attention. I set myself up for these long agonizing glances at my cell phone to see if he’s messaged me back. I will never understand why I give someone that power over me. I’m a strong, independent woman who is fully capable of spending the rest of my natural life alone. That is not my preference, but I can actually do it. So why would I settle for 1/3 of someone’s attention? It’s not even like there’s some grand love affair going on. I’m disgusted with myself, and that settles that. The day I can’t look at myself in the mirror with pride is the day I stop chasing insanity.

How many of us go through this? You meet a guy, he’s fucking awesome. Everything about the honeymoon stage of meeting someone is new. The first kiss, the first touch, the first time he looks at you with an intensity that makes your toes curl. Those are things that make dating worthwhile. I live for those moments. Then reality creeps in, and you realize that your dream super hero is just a man in Batman footie pajamas. You know what though? I like Batman footie pajamas. I like comfort and familiarity. I just can’t seem to find that someone that doesn’t make me neurotic.

So since I’m a fan of lists, I’ve decided to lay out what I’m looking for, and then you all can tell me if I’m going to spend the rest of eternity with cats and bad hair days.

  1. Higher than average Intelligence. This is my kryptonite. If a man is smarter than I am, it makes me drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
  2. Motivation. I usually equate this with ambition in a work force, but hell motivation at all would work for me these days. Don’t feel settled, in anything.
  3. Don’t be addicted to anything illegal. Don’t *do* anything illegal that garnishes more than a traffic violation. Don’t be addicted to anything that alters your basic state of mind. Basically don’t do drugs, think about drugs, sell drugs, be an alcoholic, etc.
  4. For God’s sake, talk like a grown up. HRU is not sexy. Gurl is cringe worthy. I am not baby girl, thickness, shorty, doll, and seriously, should you call me a snow bunny, I’ll forget you exist. I’m a woman not a child.
  5. Honesty. Real honesty. Don’t tell me you’re not married so I can find Facebook pictures of your wedding day. I’m not the morality police, nor am I all that innocent. I understand life and situations.
  6. Be over your damn exes. That’s it. It’s simple.
  7. Strength. Internal is what I am referring to. (External is hot though, not going to lie.) If I’m dead wrong, tell me. If I’m dead wrong in public, support me, and then when we’re alone tell me.
  8. Be a man. If I wanted to date a woman, I’d just do that.
  9. Don’t bash anything. People full of hate make me ill.
  10. Take care of your shit. If you have kids, support them. If you have bills, pay them.
  11. Take care of your damn self. This includes showers, brushing teeth daily, and dressing age appropriately.
  12. Don’t be a greedy lover. Take the time to find out what I like in bed because I give that courtesy. Nothing will turn me off more than expecting me to do something because you know I will.
  13. Finally… someone who knows the balance between regular conversation, smothering and flat out ignoring. Get to know me enough to know the damn difference.

I really should just make this blog my online dating profile.

I really think I’m looking at an existence of loneliness because my dream man doesn’t exist.



Are You #&%# Kidding Me?

7 Aug

I’ve talked a great deal about respect. It’s important to me, it should be important to everyone, but as a society, we seem to accept that people are not going to respect us, and that’s just okay. Other than the longest run on sentence I’ve made in a while, it really should disturb you that people are so callous towards others. I’ve decided that the only thing a man and a woman (or other variations based on your preference) are capable of talking about is sex.

Sex is an insanely boring conversation. Sure you can find out a few things here and there with words, but actions tend to garnish better results. (Please know I’m referring to discussing before doing. By all means women, be verbal in bed and let him (or her) know exactly what you want so you can finally stop counting ceiling tiles or faking the grand finale.) I got super annoyed last night because the date potential turned into a sexual prowler. He steered the conversation and kept it at sex for quite some time. Then when my answers weren’t what he wanted to hear, he tried to educate me on how I was wrong and subsequently being a tease. I kid you not, he basically said that he knew my responses better than I did, and that I’m pretty much mean for not doing what he thought I should be practically grateful for the opportunity to do.

I cannot even tell you how much it made me want to tell him about himself. The part that annoyed me the most was I was preconditioned to defend myself. Then I realized that I didn’t need some oversexed zealot to validate my choices. If I never want to do something again in my life, so be it. If I never wanted to have sex in my life, again, for as long as I lived, that’s my choice to make. If you know me at all, you know I’m pretty wide open so none of those things would ever happen, but it still pisses me off that I fought the urge to tell him why, to explain, and to make him understand my choices. I don’t do that to anyone, why would I do that to some random ass stranger on the internet.

So no actual dates in a while, it’s getting pretty boring. I have to buy my own coffee and lunch these days. I got hung up for a hot moment on someone that ultimately isn’t a wise decision. I had to remind myself, over and over again, that making good choices was part of being a grown up. I can’t very well hold these men I’ve been talking to the high standard I set for myself, and then act like they do because someone tells me I’m pretty. Being a woman is hard enough, commanding respect is a cycle of perpetual labor, but remaining faithful to who I am as a human… it’s very hard to do that. It’s easy to go with the flow and be like everyone else.

So, love me, or hate me, that’s completely up to you.

Respect is what I deserve because I will give it to you. Always. If a person can’t understand that, I guess I’ll be dateless, husbandless, and life partnerless for the rest of my addiction to oxygen. I will not be less than someone’s first priority.



Doomed To Fear History

6 Aug


The thing that amuses me the most about dating is the comparisons we make and the conclusions we draw based on our past. History is a potent motivator. My No-Good-Horrible-Very-Bad-Ex is Italian, he was fifteen years my senior, he wasn’t college educated, multiple kids with multiple women, had no drive or motivation to be great, and had bad teeth. What drove me to him, you ask? I was 17 and desperate for affection. So starved in fact, that I literally ran to the first man who treated me like I mattered. We met online, talked for months, and then met in person not long after I turned 19.

I’ve learned a great deal, and grew from that shy, insecure 17 year old, to a less shy, less insecure more neurotic 35 year old. I have dated some strange men over the years. Some I dated for the safety they provided. Not physically, I’ve never been a victim of domestic abuse and pray no one would dare try to make me one. Emotional safety though, I clung to. I dated a man for almost a year because he was absolutely no threat to my heart. Then broke up with him because I just didn’t feel the love for him that he deserved. He was a perfectly wonderful man, completely misunderstood, but I couldn’t be what he needed because he wasn’t what I wanted.

I’ve also dated an alcoholic who lied regularly, a man completely and utterly controlled by his mother, a drug addict who held his violence close to the surface, and a man who struggled with his own sexual demons. You know what I haven’t dated? A normal, healthy, man with his shit together. I’m beginning to wonder if this type of person exists. I get it, we all have issues. I can go from 0 to bitch in 3.5 seconds. But I seem to attract a specific type of crazy and I don’t know what I’m doing that I keep walking into the same doors. I thought we were supposed to learn from our mistakes at some point.

Last night, as I was going to bed (at a decent hour I might add!) I received a message from a guy on the dating website that amuses me so. We talked for like four hours and though he kept trying to sneak in sexual innuendo, he respected the boundaries that I clearly set. That alone surprised me and was oddly comforting in that he at least made the attempt. He waited for me to open the door to any type of personal conversations and let me know at different points in the conversation that he found me amusing, and engaging. I found him the same way except of the historical parallels. He’s Italian, he’s ten years my senior. Even though time and space have grown far beyond that of the 17 year I once was, I can’t seem to escape the thought process. I enjoyed talking to this man, and yet I’m probably going to blow him off if he messages me again because I’m condemning an entire race and anyone older than me out of some ridiculous fear that I didn’t know I still had.

Or I can rise above my fear, be the human that I strive to be and quit over analyzing everything I do, say, think, or feel. Of course then you wouldn’t have this delightful blog to bring you insight to my crazy. Who in your history has had the most impact over your choices? Doesn’t have to be an ex, just someone that left a profound impact on the choices you still make.