Verbal Bondage

22 Jun

bondageAs I drove home today, I got the urge to let out a primal scream. Just something to release the frustration that is housed so deeply in my body today. I’m all over the map emotionally, so I thought that it would make me feel better to let it all out. Only, it turns out I can’t. I was crippled by the perception others would have if they heard me. Never mind that I’m in my car, going 60 miles a highway, on a fairly deserted stretch. I literally couldn’t scream for fear of being heard. Fear has silenced me.

Of everything I’ve done, said, or thought, you’d think that I wouldn’t let a little thing like embarrassment guide me, but truth be told, once I’m embarrassed, I’m done. I simply cannot handle the ridicule I feel when someone is staring at me, or God forbid, laughing at me. The worst thing you can do to me is make me the butt of a joke. I have such an off sense of self that I crave respect like most people crave air. I need it to feel justified in my accomplishments.

fucksocietyIt is these same fears of social guidelines that keep me from doing so many of the things I would probably enjoy. I love to dance, I’m lousy at it, but I enjoy it. I so rarely do it because I just don’t want to look foolish. I don’t know when I became this person, this woman who lets what others think guide her. The twenty year old me would kick the thirty four year old me’s ass.

This blog is about my thoughts, my humor, my fears, and my aspirations. I stopped blogging a long time ago because someone told me that they thought the idea was stupid. Well, here’s my little rebellion against other peoples perception of me. I’m going to write what I damn well please, and encourage anyone who wants to comment, share, forward, or point and laugh. I need to break free from my shell, and stop going out of my way to conform.

Me and my accomplishments are telling you and your criticisms to fuck off.

xoxo

Kristy

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