The Three Am Mind Warp

22 Aug

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I find myself in a cycle of depression that I can’t seem to pull away from. If it wasn’t for work, I’m pretty sure I would never get out of bed. I have loving, caring sisters, a great group of friends, fabulous children. I like my job. There is no reason for me to feel this beat down. It’s like I didn’t get enough sleep, one night a year ago, and am still trying to play catch up.

I know financials is my biggest stress. I can’t buy school supplies for a single kid. Not one. I wouldn’t have been able to do it last year either, were it not for the kindness of two people I never even laid eyes on. I swore this year it would be better. Yet here I am, four days before school, crying because I cannot provide. I am failing them, every day a little more.

From the fathers that don’t pay child support, to the horrible hours I work where I don’t spend enough time with them, on top of not being able to keep them clothed appropriately. I asked a friend, whom I know is struggling as much as I am, just to go through her sons clothes so that I can send my son in clothes that fit.

I can’t breathe. I don’t mean that literally so don’t call ems, but like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I have no one to reach out to because everyone I know is in the same boat. All I can do is cry and pray I survive to my next crisis.

I know I made mistakes, I picked poorly when I brought children into this world. They have been denied a father figure because of my bad judgment, but how much more do we suffer? I’m running on fumes, and see no end in sight.

I just want to be able to not stress like this. To not have every waking moment be anxious and fearful that some tragedy is going to decimate my tightrope financial walk.

Being an adult sucks.

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