Archive | August, 2013

Finding Hope

30 Aug

hopeAs my previous Emo style posts were indicating, I’d found myself in somewhat of a darker area of my life. Nothing seemed to work out the way I planned or intended it to. All my roads, paved with good intentions, seemed to go to Hades in a hand basket before I had time to blink. I really struggled with finding that silver lining that everyone seemed so certain was just beyond that horizon. Well, I didn’t find mine, but a friend of mine found hers, and it put things in a new perspective for me.

This woman I work with is a good soul. She not only leads by example, but she truly appreciates what she has in life. It’s a rare breed of person these days to understand that we can’t always have what we want, rarely get what we feel we deserve, and almost always have to accept what we need in it’s place. I listened as she shared her struggles, and worried with her when things looked bleak for her. That ever present fear of going without something vital is a bond most of us can share.

Well, her perseverance amounted to the culmination of patience and faith. She kept doing her good deeds, kept living this life to the best of her ability, within her means, and simply made a hard situation stable and productive. The greatest thing about her is that she never complained. She just dug her heels in and made what life threw at her work. I truly envy that in her. It’s a strength of character that I don’t often feel I possess. I am still so desperately angry at the turning points in my life that I’ve never been really able to live in the moment.

I spoke with her today and saw the glow on her face as the burden she’d carried for so long was lifted. Botox or plastic surgery has nothing on the value of de-stressing to make a woman look beautiful. Her smile couldn’t be contained. It was that look of joy that sparked my own happiness. Even though hers has nothing to do with me, seeing it left a profound impact. Knowing that sometimes struggles really do come to an end made me begin to question the depth of my own anxieties. How much of them are based on reality, or are they based on  my perception of hopelessness?

So, thank you. Co-worker who shall remain nameless. In one conversation you helped piece a little bit of my soul back together. You gave me hope, and that’s something that I’d been sorely missing. Never underestimate the power of your reach, because even unintentionally you can touch the life of another.

KDB

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Random Nonsense

25 Aug

I have limited my life in so many ways. I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be a healthy person. In any aspect, mind, body, or spirit. Most of the time my soul is angry. I feel as if I could lash out at the many people who have done damage to my world. Since I’m also a pacifist, that doesnt actually work. None of my problems would ever be solved by violence or war.

That got me thinking, am I truly a pacifist? I really don’t care about other people’s violence. If they blow themselves up, its none of my concern. If given the chance, would I take that one lucky parting shot of there were no concequencea to my actions. I’d probably not survive the guilt, so I’d be the one left holding the smoking gun, with the bullet lodged in the concrete in front of me.

I’m slowly losing my mind. I grow more weary of the struggles and fights. At what point is it fun to get older? When do you finally reach the point of just not giving a damn.

God I look forward to that day

Epic Dating Fail Volume 2

23 Aug

dating2So, it’s four am. My sleep cycle is so completely out of control that I may never sleep a full 8 hours again in my life.  So, since its officially Pay Day Friday, I have already paid bills, watched my money disappear one transaction at a time, and contemplated donating a kidney on the black market… the only problem with that is I don’t actually know anything about kidney extraction or the telephone number to someone connected with the elusive black market.

I got a message from someone on POF, a dating website. This message is as follows:

hey bby grl, got bg bk ck for you. com ride dis pole.

I can’t make this shit up folks. This is the new pick up line. Back in the day someone at least bought me a drink before telling me about their anatomy or which orifice they’d like to be in. So this is a shining example of why I’m going to be single for the rest of my natural life. In my head, it’s disrespectful to talk to someone that way, if you don’t know them well enough to be sure they’d be okay with it. Frankly, there’s nothing attractive about that to me. What the hell ever happened to hello?

I don’t think I’m cut out for dating in this desensitized age. I like kindness, and sincerity. I want someone to respect me enough to not assume that just because I like sex, that’s all I’m good for. The honest truth is, I have a telephone number to scratch an itch. What I want is someone to be human enough to make a connection beyond two minutes of bump and grinding.

When I date someone, i’m a pretty damn decent girlfriend. I’m supportive, giving, affectionate. I like football, will travel around to car shows even though its 8000 degrees outside and know i’m going to get sun burnt to hell and back, simply because I want to spend time with the person I’m dating.

Am I a prude? Is it a cultural thing? Am I too old to date? Seriously, someone clue me in on why we are so disillusioned as a society that the entire courtship process has turned to sex. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sex, I just think that if I actually want to spend time with someone to date them… I want to know more than their cock size, or how good they think they are with it.

Just to show you, I am an absolute ass when it comes to all things dating, I even took the time to reply.

Hello… I can tell by you’re brief message that we’re not looking for the same things. I wish you the best of luck.

His reply:

way 2 jug

… This is me giving up on common sense and decency for one night. Next time I’ll just say fuck off. I imagine that will be more acceptable.

Good morning – it’s 5 am, do you know where your cock is? Apparently it’s doing all your thinking on dating websites.

xoxo – KDB

The Three Am Mind Warp

22 Aug

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I find myself in a cycle of depression that I can’t seem to pull away from. If it wasn’t for work, I’m pretty sure I would never get out of bed. I have loving, caring sisters, a great group of friends, fabulous children. I like my job. There is no reason for me to feel this beat down. It’s like I didn’t get enough sleep, one night a year ago, and am still trying to play catch up.

I know financials is my biggest stress. I can’t buy school supplies for a single kid. Not one. I wouldn’t have been able to do it last year either, were it not for the kindness of two people I never even laid eyes on. I swore this year it would be better. Yet here I am, four days before school, crying because I cannot provide. I am failing them, every day a little more.

From the fathers that don’t pay child support, to the horrible hours I work where I don’t spend enough time with them, on top of not being able to keep them clothed appropriately. I asked a friend, whom I know is struggling as much as I am, just to go through her sons clothes so that I can send my son in clothes that fit.

I can’t breathe. I don’t mean that literally so don’t call ems, but like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I have no one to reach out to because everyone I know is in the same boat. All I can do is cry and pray I survive to my next crisis.

I know I made mistakes, I picked poorly when I brought children into this world. They have been denied a father figure because of my bad judgment, but how much more do we suffer? I’m running on fumes, and see no end in sight.

I just want to be able to not stress like this. To not have every waking moment be anxious and fearful that some tragedy is going to decimate my tightrope financial walk.

Being an adult sucks.

The Ignorance of Others

20 Aug

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I read an article today that made me angry. It was an ignorant mother writing to a mother of a special needs child. At first I was simply shocked and in awe of the pure degradation that spewed forth from the angry woman. In one letter, she showed that there were members of our society that still lived in the dark ages as far as social integration went. Here’s the letter for those who’d like to read it. Be warned, it’s just tragic. 

To read the letter, please click here.

My thoughts ranged from instantaneous: I feel so bad for that ignorant mother’s children. To be raised in an environment and by a woman who could actually tell another mother to euthanize her child. To the slower, and possibly more mature: How can we, as a society, promote awareness to stamp out ignorance such as this. 

The anger at the letter is still there. I don’t know the family who received it. I read it online as I’m sure others did as well. I may be closer to the special needs spectrum and that’s why it took me some time to get over what I’d read. How dare she? How dare this woman punish a mother like that? It was brutal, and ugly. The worst thing I’ve read in a long time. I thought we were better than that as a culture. 

Now, I didn’t truly take the time to read up about the family who received the letter. It’s not important to me to know what the kid is battling. There are children born every day with Down Syndrome, Autism and various other neurological and psychological challenges. It disgusts me that they still have this kind of odious behavior to contend with. 

The saving grace, that I see, is one day her children are going to grow up. They’re going to find that letter on the internet and remember the hate their mother spewed. I hope she wasn’t planning on a good retirement home. 

Epic Dating Fail Volume 1

18 Aug

singleThis literary Goddess is the most inept person at dating that has ever walked the face of the earth. While I often don’t share my many social quirks with the perspective men that I’m going to go out with, there are times I feel I should. Being single in a town full of men is a lot harder than most people would realize. Before I get into all that, let me tell you about last night.

I went out with a group of friends last night, to a place I’ve been to regularly over the last year. Two men walked in, and my friend asked me what I thought about them. I rolled my eyes because anyone who knows me will tell you that it doesn’t matter what someone looks like. I know that’s said over and over, but a man could be a perfect “10” and open his mouth and he drops 30 digits. Ignorance and entitlement are two personality traits that I simply can’t find attractive.

However, back to the night at hand. One of the two men that had walked in brought it upon himself to come over to me, grind his hard on against my ass and tell me how much he wanted to play with my tits. This was his introduction to me that I was supposed to find flattering. He pulls me away from the table. After about three minutes of one song, I’d had enough of the gentleman’s company and went outside. In those three minutes, he verbally left no part of my anatomy untouched and described his at length. Ladies please tell me that I’m not the only female in the world who finds vulgarity unattractive? Since when did that become the norm?

This isn’t the first time I’ve run into this. It’s actually a regular occurrence. I will meet a man, who strikes my interest, and the conversation turns from getting to know you, to sex. I’m certain that I feed into this, sex is one of my favorite things, whether its physical, mental, or conversational. However, there’s more to me than a one dimensional topic. It frustrates me, and makes me rapidly lose interest in whoever I happen to be talking to at the moment. If talking about sex isn’t foreplay for the physical aspect… what’s the point? If I wanted to be frustrated and alone I’d stay single.

It’s taken me almost a decade to truly step back into the dating world. I had a few serious relationships in that time period, but they didn’t work out for whatever reason. Some of it was because I pursued safe men. Ones that would never challenge me, or have the ability to lay waste to my heart like a nuclear explosion. For a long time it was perfectly fine by me if I never dated another man in my life. Perhaps it’s because I’m older now, or removed enough from the situation, but now I am ready to try.

Too bad I finally became ready in a world where there was no time to get to know the other person. Apparently the new rules are fuck or be fucked without any resemblance of intimacy.

Do they have mail order husbands?

Sincerely…
The Literary Goddess