Archive | October, 2012

Clearing the mind clutter….

15 Oct

ImageOne of the most dysfunctional things about myself is that I make lists. Now, some of you might say but lists are great things! They help people stay organized. Not me. Lists are a procrastinators nightmare. I will make lists, make more lists, make even better more detailed lists. And then not do whatever was actually on the lists because I was far too busy making the lists to do them.

This is the story of my life really. I’m overcautious, so I will think something to death before I actually do it. If I actually do it, its pretty amazing. I can talk myself out of everything in this life. Even stupid things like shopping in the grocery store. I will hold in my hand a brand of coffee I prefer that is 60 cents more than the generic version. I will almost always put the more expensive brand back. It never fails.

I preach personal accountability to my children on a regular basis. I have explained to them that all actions have consequences, whether they’re good or bad consequences depends on the actions performed. I wish I’d of learned that lesson a little earlier in life. Then perhaps I wouldn’t be an over cautious, list making, procrastinator. Where am I going with all this? I’ll tell you!

I have a book that has been about 10k words from being finished for almost a year now. I have 4 books with at least 15k words written in them. I couldn’t possibly write them because my website wasn’t ready. I couldn’t work on the website because I couldn’t find the right template. I couldn’t find the right template because I was too busy with the blogs I used to write. I couldn’t write the blogs because I was too busy with work… etc. I’m sure you get the point.

Yesterday I got the website started in a big way. As long as no one clicks any link on my homepage, its a sight to behold. So dear gentle readers, keep me accountable. If you see me procrastinating… yell at me.





The Ripple Effect

13 Oct

Some of the things that happen to us are not cosmic retribution, or a ride on the karma train, but in fact a direct result of the choices we make. This morning when I woke up at eight, I made the choice to roll right back over and sleep until eleven. This one act could have had a huge impact on my day. Not that it matters, its Saturday and I don’t have to work today. However, I am the mother of four children, so I should have probably fed them or something.

As the day goes on, I will make more choices that will cause ripple effects throughout my life. Other people will make choices that will interact with mine. (these tend to be shitstorms instead of ripples. The best laid plans of someone else with good intentions scare the crap out of me!) One by one all of our little choices create this massive tidal wave of life that pushes us all forward. I hope you know how to surf, boys and girls, because it’s always better to be on top of a wave than under it.

Why does this happen to me? There is no greater selfishness than this question. I read a facebook post this morning, and the misery just seeped through their wall like ooze from a horror movie. Accidents happen. An astroid hurdling to Earth at 400 million miles per hour happens. You not taking care of the ripples you create in life, that doesn’t happen, its a choice. I firmly believe that negativity breeds negativity. I simply don’t allow negative influences in my life.

Nothing makes me giggle more than the power of Facebook, Twitter and the like for personal issues. I’ve ended friendships because people saw fit to use it for things they were too afraid to say in person. I made the choice this morning to get up and write a blog. I may even make the choice to make a cup of coffee. The jury is still out yet. You can be sure though, that I’ll announce the end result in some form of witty commentary on m Facebook just to see how many ripples I can interact with.

The things I do to Self-Sabatage

12 Oct

There are things I hate. I talk myself out of doing things I enjoy because I tend to believe I’m not good at them, so why bother. Take, for instance, the Blog Talk Radio thing I used to do. I genuinely enjoyed it. I faithfully talked to myself for an hour every week. If there’s one things I’m great at in this life, it’s talking to myself. Why did I stop? I’m horrible at self-confidence. I simply don’t have any. I’m surprised when people compliment me in any fashion and I’m uncomfortable when someone feels the need to say something kind about something I’ve done. Believe me, I’m damn good at faking confidence, but the moment someone says something nice, I’m really just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to tell me I suck at life and should give up my addiction to oxygen.

I have sister-envy. My sister can do no wrong in my eyes. She’s the most stable person I know. Even her neurosis are mild in my eyes. While she may disagree, I find her confidence something that I seriously wish I had. I’ve never seen anyone so able to take life by it’s balls and make it do her bidding. She’s about to turn 30 has a great family, a fantastic career, and the personality befitting a real grown up.

In reality, my circumstances are quite similar. I have my own place (that I rent… it’s my personal shoebox!). I have a lovely car that I make a car payment on. My children are happy and healthy. I shouldn’t feel like an epic slacker. I work in a professional setting, I’ve published four books with the fifth to be out in January. So I’m fairly well accomplished, and yet… I stopped writing blogs because someone told me she looked forward to reading them each day.

Compliments freak me out and yet I crave them. Your literary Goddess is not very sane.