Way Too TMI…

15 Feb

Yes I’m aware that my subject has too in it twice. I wanted to be particularly sure that you were aware this blog was going to be far more information than you ever wanted to know about me. Let me start off by saying that I tried a Soft Cup, which is an alternative to the age old, tried and true, sanitary napkins or tampons. It looks something like this:

It reminded me of a condom that had a weird pink bracelet around it. 12 hour protection and no leaking? Just the thought of not having to have a panic attack at work or run to the rest room every five minutes to check and make sure my clothes are good was enough to make me want to try something new.

Here is what I learned… It actually does just that. Goes in easy and you don’t feel it. Twelve hours later not a leak in sight. Awesome! I’m so excited, i may be in love with this product.
Then I try to take it out. Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell can reach behind their own pubic bone? Not I who has hands the size of a young child. Panic starts to set in, my mind is literally starting to plan my demise due to toxic shock or humiliation. My boyfriend offered to go in and fish it out… I have no words for how horrible that idea sounded.

I’m ready to do just about anything. It’s been 24 hours and I want to cry. There is a foreign object inside me and it won’t come out. I scoured the Internet, I cannot be the only woman who ever experienced this issue.

Turns out, I’m not. I read their words like that of a starving soul. Bear down? Pretend to have a bowel movement? Shit, I have had four kids. I can do that. Or not, you know because when your tense, everything is tense… Everything.

I’m starting to picture an ER visit. Thoughts of going insane because I tried something new started to become rampant.

Then an amazing thing happend. I had to go to the bathroom. It’s been 28 hours since soft cup insertion. I didn’t have to pretend anything that time, checked the status, felt the rubber gel bracelet thing and almost wept with joy. I got that fucking thing out of me!

Take that stupid new product. I’m team tampon for life.

Yes, I know I’m an idiot.

Xoxox

Kristy Bock

@*&$ Rip Van Winkle

6 Jan

waitingI’ve spent the majority of my life, waiting for my life. When I became a financially stable adult, I will begin doing the things I want to do. When I become a  money making author, I will begin focusing more on me. When I fall in live and get married, I will start doing the things that are important to me. Until then though, I am just too damn busy to do anything but put one foot in front of the other and survive.

Too busy to go to the gym, even though I want to. I love swimming, and the feeling of weightlessness while in the pool. Anyone who is overweight or has joint problems can understand what I say when I can walk without pain in the pool because the water carries all the weight for me.

Far too busy to write because well.. Netflix. (And Hulu, and Amazon, and free DIRECTV.) Don’t get me started on Amazon’s time sink Kindle Unlimited. Good God I can throw back books like an alcoholic can sling back a brewsky.

I can’t go visit friends because they are just as busy as I am. I don’t make new friends because I am ridiculously socially awkward when it comes to real life. I can’t even get through one conversation without thinking to myself WILL YOU STOP TALKING!?!? YOU ARE RAMBLING! JUST ZIP IT!

As my job requires massive communication, some would find that funny. Today I did one thing for myself. I got up, went to the gym. Sat my ass on the recumbent bike for 30 minutes, swam two laps to cool down, sat in the Jacuzzi for like 5 minutes, got in the shower, and got ready for work. Then thanks to my lovely sister, had a cup of coffee on her at a funky little coffee shop some guy at work told me about,  and wrote one scene. I haven’t written jack in months.

I’ve had the best morning today that I’ve had in a long time. Just me, and my thoughts, and what I want to do. So this is what #Adulting is supposed to be like? Hmm. Nice.

I think I’ll try this again tomorrow

xoxo

Kristy

 

 

Doubts

16 Sep

Dating is like buying a used car. At first the hunt is exciting. It takes a while though to find a car that suits all of your needs. While car shopping is fun, too many test drives can be bad for ones health. We are warriors though, we persevere through the adversity of snake tongued salesman and lifetime deals that shroud hidden promises of headaches and financial woes.

image

Then you find that hidden gem. The diamond in the rough that makes your heart race and nether regions vibrate. Every thing you could hope for, wrapped up in a pleasing presentation of quality. So you do what any rational human does, pursue until you seal the deal.

So now you have this amazing new ride. Everything about it gives you goose bumps and you want to be in it every chance you get. It starts to get serious when you think of showing it off to your girls… Or your parents.

So what if its got a few oddly placed dings and Knicks. From the moment you drove off the lot, its been reliable, practical, and fun. Everything you ever put on your wish list for a car was there. And then it sputters. The check engine light comes on. Nothing major, just a warning that sounds off old fears in your head.

Is it just settling down? Getting the last few kinks out from the abuse of the last owner? Or is it something more? Doubt is a bitch my friends and the killer of all things happy. How many of my doubts are fears from the past sabotaging any chance I have at a future. Little things trigger amazing reactions that remind me why I’ve been single for as long as I have.

This new to me car must now pay for the sins of all the lemons in my past. Doubts are like weeds that grow in my mind, because things don’t work out that way for me.

Or they don’t work out that way for me because instead of using weed killer, I’m pollinating the yard with more. Ugh. I want off the crazy ride.

Xoxo
Kristy

xoxoxo Kristy

Who is your Inner Goddess?

1 Aug

4AmazonDivine Touch by Kristy Denice Bock Buy Here
Which Goddess are You?

Every woman is a little bit Goddess – but the real question is which Goddess are you?
1. Buy her a new pair. She didn’t mean it after all.
2. Forgive her, and use it as an excuse to buy a new pair for you.
3. Torch her favorite little black dress, then take her out to lunch. You are even after all.
4. Plan to make her life miserable but feel remorse over your plans.
5. Torture her endlessly until you’ve gotten your pound of flesh.
6. Blow up the town she lives in.

If a guy suddenly cancels a date on short notice you…?
1. Accept his words, he’d never lie to you about something like that.
2. Forgive him, and call up your #2 on your speed dial.
3. Drive to where he is, make a scene, then pay the tab and tell him you’ll call him next week.
4. Tell him what a schmuck he is, then call later that evening and express your guilt.
5. Drive to where he is, attack him and anyone who dares to defend him.
6. Blow up the city he’s located in.

If your favorite gold fish winds up floating belly up in the bowl, you?
1. Do everything in your power to bring it back to life.
2. Know that it’s little body will complete the circle of life.
3. Cry for a moment, then go buy a new goldfish and reuse the name.
4. Give it a porcelain burial and moan about the unfairness of it all.
5. Scream at its corpse and rage. Threaten every other living creature near you.
6. Drop some grenades in the lake and kill off the rest of the species.

Your boss makes you work overtime so she can go to a concert you’ve been dying to go to, you?
1. Figure can always go next time. She deserves a night out.
2. Work harder so you can have her job by that time next year.
3. Work the overtime, and send a virus to her computer.
4. Mope and whine about not going, and think of ways to get back at her.
5. Get her fired. She deserves it!
6. Wait until she’s at the concert and blow up her and everyone in it. Why should they be happy?

Mostly 1’s
You are Jaebo!! The Goddess of Light, Love and all things Good!!
Jaebo likes for everyone, and everything to be happy in her world. She will give you the shirt off her back, and forgive any transgression.

Mostly 2’s
You are Tatiana!! The Goddess of Elements!!
Tatianna isn’t perfect, but she strives to lead an exemplary life. Her ability to forgive is astounding, but she knows how to get her digs in now and again.

Mostly 3’s
You are Noxia!! The Supreme Ruler of the Universe!! Goddess of Balance!!
Noxia will cause just as many problems as she resolves. She’ll use everyone around her for the betterment of mankind and her Goddess sisters.

Mostly 4’s
You are Edereu!! The Goddess of Death!!
Edereu thinks she should be the supreme ruler and covets everything Noxia has. She makes the life of everyone around her miserable with her selfish and petty ways, but she does have a good side… somewhere.

Mostly 5’s
You are Killana!! The Goddess of Chaos and Strife!!
Killana has no boundaries or social skills. She’ll do everything and anything that sounds good at the time no matter who it disrupts. Actually… she hopes it disrupts everyone.

Mostly 6’s
You are Ulma!! The Goddess of Destruction!!
Ulma hates all humans and hopes they all die in a blaze fit for her to roast her marshmallows on.

What’s Worse Than A Bad First Date?

7 Jun

profile  woman in a shade of a silhouette with phone, isolated on a white background

For well over a year now, I’ve vented about horrible first dates, ridiculous men, and the neurotic world of dating that I’ve survived since I started this random journey. I never expected to find something even more challenging about this experience. Bad dates? Pfft. I got this. Great date that didn’t end up as a one night stand? What the heck is that all about. Let me go back to the beginning.

So there I am, trolling POF because what else do I have to do on a Saturday? A username caught my eye so I texted him to ask if he’s from Pittsburgh. He said no, he just likes the Steelers and we kind of went from there. We talked for a few hours and agreed to go out. I didn’t want to go to a bar where I wouldn’t be able to hear anything so we went down to the water front. It was great, relaxed. He made me laugh, we know some of the same people… grew up in the same area etc. He’s employed, has his own place. Nothing stood out as bat shit crazy, all night long.

We stayed out until 3 in the morning. He didn’t try to kiss me, so I of course spend half the night lying in bed wondering why. Then I berate myself because I’m a forward thinking female, if I wanted kissed, I should have kissed him. What is this, the 1800s? Then as I’m about to fall asleep he texts me to make sure I got home okay and that he had a good time. All I could think of was:

shavefirstdateI shaved my legs, and didn’t even get a kiss. I’m gonna need you to bring your ass back out so you can finish the date properly. What did I text back? Me too, sweet dreams.

I’m more neurotic after this first successful date in months, than I have been with the characters I’ve previously written about. There really is no pleasing me. Let me dress up, but don’t comment on my chest I hate that. I want you to treat me with the utmost respect,  but for fuck sake kiss me good night. I want you to be smart, funny, engaging, sincere, mostly-honest, and in addition to all that, have shoulders that I can’t help but touch.

Basically I want the big fucking white whale of men, and no, I will not call you Ishmael.

Oh but really the date went well, and I’d like to see him again. We texted a few times today, so I wasn’t too bat shit crazy for him I guess.

Or he has a think for bat shit crazy who knows.

xoxo

Kristy

Hallmark > Lifetime

14 May

I often watch Hallmark movies when the mood strikes me to be sappy or sweet. What is amusing about this, is I seriously dislike Lifetime movies. Some would say they are the exact same, but I’m here to tell you, Hallmark has a softer touch, whereas Lifetime seems to want to make a soap opera of CNN. They seem to make a movie of every single real life event and turn it into a campy, over the top disaster in the making starring people like Lindsey Lohan. What does any of this have to do with anything you ask? I find myself in a movie that’s a cross between a Hallmark and a creepy Lifetime stalker-thon. For those of you that actually know me, you’ll find humor in the next few moments.

I received a random, out of the blue, Facebook message from a person whom I work with. I was going to share the screen shot, but as they know where I work, I thought I’d behave, and they’re probably a perfectly nice, sane, individual. One would hope. Here’s the catch. They sent me a semi-anonymous message with a fake name. Then then proceed to tell me how interested they were in me, and why it must be kept a secret. This disturbs me on two levels. One, I’m a bull in a China shop. Everything I do, I do with guns blazing and banners dropped. I never learned how to be cute, coy, or deferential. So the very idea that someone can’t just be open with me sends every red flag up in my brain. It’s like the Genie in Aladdin, WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.

Part of me is intrigued. I’ve never had a secret admirer before. (Because most people know me better than to try to be vague. I don’t pick up on social queues, have no idea when someone is flirting, and am all around horrible at reading people’s intentions.) So back to my secret admirer. I’m perplexed because I simply don’t understand the thought process behind sending a ‘secret’ Facebook message. While I do understand there are laws against sexual harassment, there isn’t against saying hello. What happened to talking to people, face to face, and getting to know them?

So what was my grand response? I have a blog on dating, go read it. Yes, dear readers. I sent him to my blog. Anyone who is interested in me should know the whole story first. That and I can’t get past a grown man, using words like ‘crush’. I’m not in middle school. The time for ‘Do you like me’ notes ended with training bras. I won’t be checking yes or no. I’ll be abstaining from a vote until I meet someone who can stand toe to toe with me.

Xoxo

Kristy

Single friends… anyone? Please? Save me.

24 Apr

So I went trolling on POF tonight. I was bored and had the apparent desire to do the equivalent of bashing my head against a brick wall. I like to think I’m a fairly entertaining person. People are usually laughing at me anyway, so may as well have some fun with engaging others in conversation. Tonight I saw that someone had messaged me a few times. I’d never responded because he just didn’t look my type at all. For some reason tall white and nerdy just doesn’t ring my bell. Below I’ll share a snapshot of our conversation. I should have just ignored my inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

So please, save me from myself. One of you out there has to have a single friend, who doesn’t suck at life, that you can send me on a date with. I now need someone else to pick for me, because apparently… I simply do not have the talent of finding an acceptable man for myself.

Behold: Kristy Trolling on POF

THE COVER NEVER LIES PEOPLE.

busty
scorpiomale
I’m doing good. What are you looking for?
Kristy
lol right this moment? Sanity and sleep, but since neither seem to be forthcoming, I guess I’ll answer in the generalized statement. Being single is boring, dating is ridiculous, and I’m tired of trying to figure out who to take when I get a +1 invitation for an event or function. So basically what I’m looking for is someone to enjoy life with.

scorpiomale
Cool. I’m looking for friends or more. I’d like to find a good honest faithful woman for a possible long term relationship
Kristy
Well, good luck with that. I’m pretty sure everyone strives to be good honest and faithful. So you shouldn’t have too much trouble in that aspect.

scorpiomale
Faithful seems to be hard to find. Ever been married? Kids?

Kristy
No. Yes… in that order.

scorpiomale
Cool. I never been marrieds and no kids. I love kids though🙂

Kristy
Kids are something else. They are spontaneous and explosive all in the same second.

scorpiomale
Yeah that is true lol
I must admit that I do have a thing for busty women

KristyB
So does every other man in the world, it’s a fairly universal trait.

scorpiomale
I didn’t used to like them big, but now I do.

🙂

You Busy?

If you don’t mind me asking, what size are they?

(this is where I ended the conversation, deleted, and blocked him.)

I just can’t make this shit up.

xoxo

Kristy

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